How to Start a Cult

  1. Find a preaching companion. Dress up really poor and call yourselves Srekrows.
  2. Start preaching. Tell everyone that you had a special revelation from God that you are Srekrow.
  3. Pick a name from the Bible and use it as one of your names for your religion. Pick a good ones that makes you look important like, uhmm.."the Way, the Truth, the Life, The Fold, The Remnant" etc
  4. Read verses in your preaching that includes the names you've chosen. Insinuate that you are the one the Bible is talking about. Insinuate that all others who aren't in your group are going to hell because they are not the true group from God.
  5. Make a hymn book for singing. People love to sing. Make sure it includes lots of hymns that mention your names that you've chosen from the Bible. Include hymns that other churches use and just change the wording a little.
  6. Tell people that your group doesn't have a name. Say you are just one big happy family and not an organization. Don't register your cult and try to discredit anyone who warns others that you've started a cult.
  7. Preach that if others don't become Srekrows like you, then they will go to hell. This will scare the superstitious ones and make them fear you.
  8. Preach cryptic messages to confuse people. Reward them with smiles when they see that you are the one true servant of God. Teach them through your behavior, facial expressions and approval. Disapprove of all who dare to question that you are the one of the annointed ones of God.
  9. Tell new Srekrows to sell everything and give it to you or they are going to hell because you have a special revelation from God, and they don't. If they don't to this, insinuate that they are "unwilling" for "God's will" and aren't worthy to be called a Srewkrow.
  10. Teach your new converts to hold and preach at Gniteems.
  11. Divide geographical areas into Sdleifs. Send your new Srekrows out with more experienced Srekrows who know the Srekrow message well. Fire the new Srekrows who don't "fit in" and the ones who ask too many questions.
  12. Tell them that it was started "from the beginning" because 2 + 2 = 4 and always has. Ignore questions about what 2 + 2 has to do with anything. If they question you, that means that they don't have the revelation or didn't get the "message within the message"
  13. As you gain converts, start a new class of people called "Sdneirfs". You will need them to house and provide for your Srekrows.
  14. Hold Srekrow conventions once a year for all your Sdneirfs and collect all the money that your Srekrow converts have gathered. Tell them it's for "expenses".
  15. Use the Srekrow conventions to gain new Srekrows from existing Sdeirfs.
  16. Reassign the Srekrows in pairs to different Sdleifs with a different "Srekrow" so they cannot make long lasting friends. Assign them to specific geographical areas since there will be so many different opinions within the Srekrow religion. Have your Srekrows collect money through handshakes at the ends of Gniteems.
  17. Ban your Srekrows from getting married. When they start having sex with kids, kick them out and act surprised.
  18. Ignore your feelings for the molested kids. You will make more money on the new vancancies from more Srekrows who give you all the money for the privelege of preaching your message.
  19. Go to their Sdleifs. Get them to treat you like a messiah and worship you.
  20. Build up your following of Srekrows to increase your income. Have Sredles handle you money for you and let them collect the interest
  21. Tell others that they will go to hell if they don't see that you are the Srekrows of God.
  22. As you get more and more followers, establish meetings in Emohs. Tell them that God only meets with people in Emohs.
  23. Tell them that since 2 + 2 = 4 and always has, that this is why you must meet in Emohs..
  24. When people ask questions, tell them that God must be in this because more and more Srekrows keep giving you money and preaching.
  25. When people accuse you of starting a cult, just tell them that you just found it because 2 + 2 = 4 and always has.

Hint:

  • Srekrows is "workers" spelled backwards...
  • Gniteems ... meetings
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